laugh until you drown

there's a heavyness in my chest , that says, i can't be left alone for too long, at some point in time i have to let go of you, that's okay, by then i won't have something left in me that remembers how to feel
like i'm numb from the waist up. do you ever whore yourself out for just a little touch, a hand to hold or maybe a kiss to the back of your neck, swearing, yes you are alive. yes your eyes are opened. my body makes weird noises, i could translate them but then you'd know how wasted i am. sleeping in yesterdays clothes and crying, probably, or maybe i was laughing. i can't remember. do you care?
some people say it's okay to do these things, get drunk, run out of the house screaming fire fire when there's nothing in your house but the cat, grab something sharp and dance it across the air like a warning sign, so you can say someone did that to you, so you have an exciting story to tell at dinner parties. can you imagine what would it be if everyone swallowed some kind of honesty pill right before a family meeting?. like that movie, minus the happy ending.
thing is, you spend a weekend at home watching your own shadow in the ceiling, or you grab a can of kerosene, go out and burn something pretty. like this hole town.
let's set ourselves on fire.
what a nice thing to woke up to.
what a sick, twisted way of saying, please notice me, please love me, i'm only here to be loved. there's no more to me than you, for you to use me whoever you want to. hopefully this will involve sex of some kind.
the heavyness, then, it's only my heart trying to crawl out of my chest. it doesn't really like me, you know. my mind is trying to sabotage me with neon colors and big words.
and again, this is a lie.